Already got asked if we're dating
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
