Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
