made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
