Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
