To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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