I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He passed out mid-signature
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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