How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
