I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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