"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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