Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
