If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Is Oprah even human
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
