I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
