I hate your face
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
