My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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