im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
