Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
