I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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