when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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