he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Randomize
