i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
