You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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