When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
