Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
