Taylor Swift is so right about you.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
