I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I will pee on everything he values.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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