If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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