Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Randomize
