so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
