Pappa wants mamma naked
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
