Whod you bang
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i don't like sucking hair
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
FUCK WHALES
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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