I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
