just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
