I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
