I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
