I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
