All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
