I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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