im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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