so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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