Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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