I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
