sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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