On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
