Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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