My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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