That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
