I think I died a long time ago.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
