Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
