You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
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