Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
